What do I want? Or maybe the better question is, "What does God want from me?" Those two questions weigh heavily on me as I begin my first year of aspirancy into the diaconate. Aspirancy is the first year and a half of the diaconate formation process. It is a time of discernment to determine if the candidate, the candidate's spouse and the church feels that the aspirant should move onto the rest of the formation process.
To be honest, I never thought the process would weigh as heavily on me as it has. The sense of apprehension that I've had was not expected. I consider that a blessing though. If, at the end of this process, I feel that I am called to be a deacon, I think I will feel better having had doubts and having worked through them. I think that will give me a better sense of security in my decision.
There are a number of reasons for my apprehension and I can't wait to discuss them with my spiritual director. There are two things that are comforting. The first is that I am very comfortable in my life and that if it's determined that being a deacon is not for me then I won't be any worse off. The second is that I am doing my best to follow God's will. I'm not being like Johna and running away from God. That makes me feel secure that whatever happens--it shall be God's choice and not my own.
Now. . . if I can get God to speak up and tell me what he wants! Or perhaps I should just shut up and listen . . .